this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize