I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
