Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
