You just made me feel so damn special
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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