your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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