life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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