my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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