glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
