First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
