I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
