he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
she peed on how many people?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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