I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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