So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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