apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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