I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I want a musical about memes.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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