Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
