i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
