I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
