I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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