last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
