I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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