Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
