I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
