i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My breasts were aching with rage.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize