At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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