From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
