it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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