I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just want nice things and good sex
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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