Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
