did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
