Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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