He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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