It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
