I'm lost and stupid without you.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
