God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
In America we eat man semen.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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