While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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