that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Randomize
