There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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