dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just want nice things and good sex
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
