Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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