Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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