I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize