new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
