How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
