He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Randomize
