i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
