I'm really into asian looking animals
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I deserve this hangover.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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