You smell like stripper and shame
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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