So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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