Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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