It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
