No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
