I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
