I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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