i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
