I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
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